Woman Wants to Stop Visiting Her Siblings and Their Kids Because 'Their Homes Are Loud and Chaotic'
“I’m SO tired, SO exhausted. I just don't want to do this anymore," the woman writes in a recent Reddit post
A woman wants to stop visiting her siblings and their children — but she’s unsure whether or not she’s in the right.
The woman detailed her situation on the popular Reddit forum “Am I the A------,” which is a place where Reddit users can go to seek advice on interpersonal issues. In her post, the 33-year-old explained she has two siblings with families, each of whom lives “5-7 hours” away. The woman said that since she is the only sibling without kids or a partner, she is the one who travels for family visits.
“That means I take time off work, spend money on travel and gifts, and try to fit into their routines,” she added.
However, the Reddit user also admitted that she doesn't actually like making the trips.
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“Their homes are loud and chaotic (I’m highly sensitive and from time to time need to recharge), and the conversations are exhausting,” she explained. “My siblings and their partners often make sexist or racist remarks, which I find hard to tolerate. They show little genuine interest in me, rarely ask questions and mostly vent about their neighbors or colleagues.”
Mother feeling depressed and exhausted from chaotic family life
Frustrated woman (stock image). Getty
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“The kids are the only reason I am doing this. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t go at all,” she continued.
The original poster (OP) said that she has invited her siblings to stay with her on a number of occasions, but they “never visit.” What’s more, she noted that her siblings “don’t take time off” when she travels to see them, and don’t reciprocate her messages or birthday gifts.
She said that when she brought the issue up to her mom, she was told that her siblings are “too busy” because of “the kids.” She also shared that she often feels like the “lesser sibling” in general because she does not have a family of her own.
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The OP revealed that she is currently going through a divorce, and that while her parents check in “occasionally,” her siblings “basically stopped caring after two weeks.”
“So, today it hit me: this whole dynamic only works because I keep giving,” she continued, adding, “And I’m SO tired, SO exhausted. I just don't want to do this anymore. So I decided to cancel my upcoming visit. And I’m seriously considering stopping all visits entirely.”
“So, WIBTA [would I be the a------] for not visiting?” she asked at the end of her post.
Little boys covered in baking ingredients during a messy baking session
Kids making a mess (stock image). Getty
A number of commenters said they firmly sided with the OP and encouraged her to set healthy boundaries with her siblings.
"NTA [not the a------],” one person wrote. “You’ve become aware of a pattern that’s unhealthy and unequal, and you [have] every right to value yourself and set some expectations and boundaries. Stay in touch with the kids directly, invite them for a weekend if you can and want to. But stop sacrificing yourself for those who don’t deserve your efforts.”
“Visit when you want to only. FaceTime the kids. Don't bend over backwards for your siblings,” another user added.
However, others said that they didn’t think either party was to blame in this scenario — and that the OP’s siblings may legitimately be in a much busier phase of life.
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“NAH [no a------ here]," said one person. “I have been on both sides of this dynamic. Life has different phases, and the ‘loud, chaotic’ phase is a hard one to travel [during]. It doesn’t mean you’re less important, it just means their life is loud and chaotic so it’s harder for them to come to you.”
They added: “My own personal values are such that family is so important to me, I don’t keep score. Different phases of our lives are just different, and we do what we can when we can. I find people too willing to cut off family or other close relationships. Relationships take work. They’re not always easy or fun.”
